The Search for a Savior...

In my life as of late, I really feel like I've been missing out on something. Even though everything in my life seems to be going wonderfully right now, I still feel this hole as if I'm somehow not complete. I know that can sound kind of cliche, but it's true. When I look back over the first 30 years of my life, I can see myself slowly drifting away from God and from any sort of personal relationship with Christ and I hate that.

I was always raised in the Methodist church. I can't remember a time growing up that I wasn't in church on Sunday and when I got to middle and high school, I was actively involved in my youth group - even ending up as the president of my youth group my senior year of high school. I felt about as close to God as I've ever been and I just knew that I was going to go off to college and meet a strong, Christian man and we'd have a wonderful, perfect little Christian family.

Well life doesn't always turn out the way you plan it. Despite the fact that God couldn't have chosen a better roommate for me my freshman year of college (Kendall was most definitely a Godsend), I found myself lost and searching for a place to fit in. Unfortunately, no matter how much God tried on His end of our relationship, I kept pushing Him away. I joined a sorority and God again put the most amazing Big Sister in my life. Beth was and still is one of the most amazing Christian women I've ever known in my life. I kept pushing and pushing Him away because I still didn't fit in at college where I thought I should. In the end, I ended up self-destructing and was back living at home with my parents by the time I was done with my sophomore year of college.

I came home determined to re-establish my relationship with Christ, but I got sidetracked. I was so intent on meeting a man and getting married, that I let my search for God fall by the wayside AGAIN. I met David and within 2 years of meeting we were married. I knew this was it and I had found my place in this world FINALLY. I worked hard in our marriage to meet God again and I threw myself into church and became involved in just about every way I could imagine. Only one small problem, David wasn't having it. I prayed and prayed and prayed to God that He would open David's eyes and his heart so that David too could know God and have a personal relationship with Christ. After 2 years of marriage, I came home one day to a huge surprise. Despite having a contract on a house and getting ready to move in less than a month, suddenly David "didn't love me anymore" and wanted a divorce. I was devastated. Crushed. I was angry with God. I cried out, what did I do to deserve this? I didn't stick around long enough to hear the answer. I dove into the dating scene and suddenly made finding a new husband my god. I stopped going to church and pulled away from my friends and even my family.

Thankfully, I met Joe. Joe was raised in a big Catholic family and this was something new to me. We had long talks about our faith and what we believed. We've definitely had a lot of struggles in our 5 year relationship but throughout it all I've really still believed that this was all part of God's plan for our lives. We've dealt with Joe getting laid off from his job, me changing jobs twice, Joe deciding to go back to school, buying a house and struggling with our finances due to being a one income home. But through it all, I've managed to maintain my faith this time around and know that God has brought me through SO much in my lifetime that I know He's not going to just give up on me now.

So why this long post about feeling lost? Well, despite the fact that I still believe that God is looking out for me and that He has a plan for my life, I feel really far away from Him. We haven't found a church home since we've moved into our house and I really want to find a good church that I can really get involved in and find a good small group. I also want to try and establish a good quiet time with God every day (which is hard because I find my life is so hectic). I also want to strive to have God in my everyday life and be able to see Him in even the small things rather than just being a "Sunday Christian" that goes to church more for the social setting than for getting fed.

So I plan on immersing myself in the Word and trying to reconnect with God. I yearn for a closer relationship with God and desire to grow in my spiritual walk. So there it is. I've laid it all out. I've said this so many times before and I end up getting discouraged and falling away after a few months, but I feel like there is no time like the present to rekindle that loving relationship with my Father.

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. - Deuteronomy 4:29