I haven't blogged or even thought about this blog in 11 years. Crazy to think that, at one point, I wrote here and thought about making myself a blogger. Obviously I struggle to stick with things. 😂 So, how did I end up back here? I apparently wrote a blog post one day and shared about it on Facebook or Twitter maybe. So today when that share popped up in my memories on TimeHop, I thought... I should go look at that and see what did I do with it all those years ago!
Do you ever have those moments where you look back at old pictures or things you wrote and cringe? Well it's not THAT bad but I did think to myself, man, what a different person I was at 32. My last blog post was written only 2 months before I would find out I was pregnant with my first child and honestly before my life really changed. It's funny to see how I talked about my dreams back then and how much they've changed. Oh I'd still love to go back to school and try to pursue a different dream of a career. But the first thing that comes to mind when I consider that is, when? When would I have the time to go back and pursue a new career? I have three children, ages 10, 6 and about to be 3. They are involved in activities and school and usually I put myself on the back burner to make sure that their little lives are as happy as they can be. Does that ever change? Do you moms ever get to a point where you feel like they don't "need" you any more and you can put yourself first again? I hope so.
And if I went back to school at this point, what would I do? For a long time I said I wanted to go back to get my master's degree and become a therapist. I love the idea of helping people through their issues and problems. That's the enneagram 2 in me. I have also considered going back and getting my master's in youth ministry because one of my passions is definitely helping teens in their walk with Christ. I have absolutely adored my time volunteering in youth ministry. Then I thought, what if I combined those two? What if I went back and got my master's to become a Christian counselor specializing in teens? If I had the time to pursue a new career I think that would definitely be the first route I would explore. So if you're someone who is in that field, I would love to pick your brain. 😉
So why come back to this blog and actually start writing again? Well I will say I've hit a point in my life where I feel like most days I'm floundering. I feel like am I doing this whole Christian life thing right? And most days I say to myself, nope. Not even close. What does it mean to be a Christian actively pursuing a life with Christ? I honestly don't know most days. I feel like there isn't one right or wrong answer. I feel like it's different for each one of us. Because truly it's about relationship. It's our relationship with Christ. And just like our relationships with other people, no two relationships are the same. So I feel it becomes difficult at times to figure out what it means to have that relationship with Christ. Friends and pastors and all sorts of spiritual types can give us advice. Tell us what works for them. There's got to be a million books out there written on the subject. But I truly believe that at some point you have to just dive in and start swimming. You can research it until you're blue in the face but eventually you have to just start pursuing God and asking Him to guide you and show you which step to take.
I think most of my life I've thought I was doing right. I was a good person. I went to church. I was in a small group/bible study here and there. I volunteered at church in every way I possibly could. So if I was doing all of the "right things" why did I still feel so empty? I think because my actions were truly empty. It was always just because I felt like it was what I was supposed to do. But I wasn't doing it because it was what I wanted to do. I think to have a true relationship with Christ, you have to really want to have a relationship with Christ. You have to pursue it for no other reason than to grow closer with Him, to be able to hear His voice. So that's where I'm starting. I'm going after it with everything I've got. Because I'm that lost sheep. Wandering around not even necessarily realizing I'm lost. But God has been calling to me. Saying, come back. I have so much to share with you.
Last night was a really bad night for me personally. And this morning I woke up and felt like I needed to open my Bible app on my phone first thing instead of immediately going to Facebook or Instagram like I usually do. I haven't opened my Bible app in over a month. But today I did. And all I did was scroll down to read what the Verse of the Day was...
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32 NLT
Let me tell you. If that verse didn't speak to EXACTLY what I went through the night before. It was a wake up call. God was saying, HELLO! Remember me? I've got some good stuff here. This is what you've been wanting to work on but you've been trying to do it all by yourself. If you would just take five seconds and come to me with your stresses and your problems instead of just trying to handle it all by yourself, I promise you life would be a little easier to stomach. That verse was enough to get my mind turning. But God was like, you know what? I'm gonna be sure you're hearing me. I'm gonna pull out my 2x4 and slap you upside the head. 😂
I follow Proverbs 31 Ministries on Instagram and usually they have a daily devotional. Do I ever read it? Nope. That doesn't fit in line with my "I'm doing this because I'm supposed to" way of life right now. Again God gave me a little nudge and said, ok for real this time, read it. It was entitled, When I Deny Jesus. Now just from that title I didn't think it would really apply to me because, I'm all for Jesus. I'm not denying Him. Pffffft. Lysa TerKeurst went on to say:
When what He allows into my life does not feel good or seem good to me, this is what I pray. When we assume we know what a good God would do, and He doesn't do it? That's when things can start to get a bit complicated. It's the place where doubts are formed and disappointment grows. The place where we can be tempted to distance ourselves from God with a heart of distrust.
That suddenly spoke to the struggles I've been having these days. It's not that I feel like God has been the cause of my problems as of late. But it's when things don't quite go the way you expect, you start to wonder, what are you doing God? Why are you going this route? You start to question. And while I kept telling myself that questioning wasn't a bad thing, it kinda is. Questioning leads to doubt. You're doubting that God is good and that He has the ability to work all things for the good of His people. Lysa goes on to say:
I know what it's like to have intentions that are good but follow-through that falls to pieces. It's easy to say the words - we're all in for Jesus, and we'll do anything He asks of us. But then we get rejected or hurt by someone or become afraid we'll fail, and it becomes difficult to live out those words. Fear, pain and insecurities can really do a number on our hearts.
And THAT is where my heart is right now. Lysa says, "to deny Jesus is to say with our words, thoughts or actions that we don't really believe the truth of who Jesus says He is or what He says He'll do." I'm struggling to accept Jesus' truth in my life in this moment. I'm struggling to give others forgiveness for their actions. I'm struggling to accept Jesus' forgiveness for my own actions. But NOTHING is beyond the reach of Jesus. And so today I start again. I start a pursuit of Christ and hope that this time I can actually meet Him because I know He will meet me where I am at. I pray, "God, give me relief from my unbelief."
I finish with my most favorite Bible verse because it is the one that gives me eternal hope in everything I do. It is the one that keeps my eyes turned towards Jesus even when life does get hard.
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28 NLT
