Starting Over

I haven't blogged or even thought about this blog in 11 years.  Crazy to think that, at one point, I wrote here and thought about making myself a blogger.  Obviously I struggle to stick with things.  😂  So, how did I end up back here?  I apparently wrote a blog post one day and shared about it on Facebook or Twitter maybe.  So today when that share popped up in my memories on TimeHop, I thought... I should go look at that and see what did I do with it all those years ago!

Do you ever have those moments where you look back at old pictures or things you wrote and cringe?  Well it's not THAT bad but I did think to myself, man, what a different person I was at 32.  My last blog post was written only 2 months before I would find out I was pregnant with my first child and honestly before my life really changed.  It's funny to see how I talked about my dreams back then and how much they've changed.  Oh I'd still love to go back to school and try to pursue a different dream of a career.  But the first thing that comes to mind when I consider that is, when?  When would I have the time to go back and pursue a new career?  I have three children, ages 10, 6 and about to be 3.  They are involved in activities and school and usually I put myself on the back burner to make sure that their little lives are as happy as they can be.  Does that ever change?  Do you moms ever get to a point where you feel like they don't "need" you any more and you can put yourself first again?  I hope so.  

And if I went back to school at this point, what would I do?  For a long time I said I wanted to go back to get my master's degree and become a therapist.  I love the idea of helping people through their issues and problems.  That's the enneagram 2 in me.  I have also considered going back and getting my master's in youth ministry because one of my passions is definitely helping teens in their walk with Christ.  I have absolutely adored my time volunteering in youth ministry.  Then I thought, what if I combined those two?  What if I went back and got my master's to become a Christian counselor specializing in teens?  If I had the time to pursue a new career I think that would definitely be the first route I would explore.  So if you're someone who is in that field, I would love to pick your brain.  😉 

So why come back to this blog and actually start writing again?  Well I will say I've hit a point in my life where I feel like most days I'm floundering.  I feel like am I doing this whole Christian life thing right?  And most days I say to myself, nope.  Not even close.  What does it mean to be a Christian actively pursuing a life with Christ?  I honestly don't know most days.  I feel like there isn't one right or wrong answer.  I feel like it's different for each one of us.  Because truly it's about relationship.  It's our relationship with Christ.  And just like our relationships with other people, no two relationships are the same.  So I feel it becomes difficult at times to figure out what it means to have that relationship with Christ.  Friends and pastors and all sorts of spiritual types can give us advice.  Tell us what works for them.  There's got to be a million books out there written on the subject.  But I truly believe that at some point you have to just dive in and start swimming.  You can research it until you're blue in the face but eventually you have to just start pursuing God and asking Him to guide you and show you which step to take.  

I think most of my life I've thought I was doing right.  I was a good person.  I went to church.  I was in a small group/bible study here and there.  I volunteered at church in every way I possibly could.  So if I was doing all of the "right things" why did I still feel so empty?  I think because my actions were truly empty.  It was always just because I felt like it was what I was supposed to do.  But I wasn't doing it because it was what I wanted to do.  I think to have a true relationship with Christ, you have to really want to have a relationship with Christ.  You have to pursue it for no other reason than to grow closer with Him, to be able to hear His voice.  So that's where I'm starting.  I'm going after it with everything I've got.   Because I'm that lost sheep.  Wandering around not even necessarily realizing I'm lost.  But God has been calling to me.  Saying, come back.  I have so much to share with you.  

Last night was a really bad night for me personally.  And this morning I woke up and felt like I needed to open my Bible app on my phone first thing instead of immediately going to Facebook or Instagram like I usually do.  I haven't opened my Bible app in over a month.  But today I did.  And all I did was scroll down to read what the Verse of the Day was...

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.  Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.  Ephesians 4:31-32 NLT

Let me tell you.  If that verse didn't speak to EXACTLY what I went through the night before.   It was a wake up call.  God was saying, HELLO!  Remember me?  I've got some good stuff here.  This is what you've been wanting to work on but you've been trying to do it all by yourself.  If you would just take five seconds and come to me with your stresses and your problems instead of just trying to handle it all by yourself, I promise you life would be a little easier to stomach.  That verse was enough to get my mind turning.  But God was like, you know what?  I'm gonna be sure you're hearing me.  I'm gonna pull out my 2x4 and slap you upside the head.  😂

I follow Proverbs 31 Ministries on Instagram and usually they have a daily devotional.  Do I ever read it?  Nope.  That doesn't fit in line with my "I'm doing this because I'm supposed to" way of life right now.  Again God gave me a little nudge and said, ok for real this time, read it.  It was entitled, When I Deny Jesus.  Now just from that title I didn't think it would really apply to me because, I'm all for Jesus.  I'm not denying Him.  Pffffft.  Lysa TerKeurst went on to say:

When what He allows into my life does not feel good or seem good to me, this is what I pray.  When we assume we know what a good God would do, and He doesn't do it?  That's when things can start to get a bit complicated.  It's the place where doubts are formed and disappointment grows.  The place where we can be tempted to distance ourselves from God with a heart of distrust.  

That suddenly spoke to the struggles I've been having these days.  It's not that I feel like God has been the cause of my problems as of late.  But it's when things don't quite go the way you expect, you start to wonder, what are you doing God?  Why are you going this route?  You start to question.  And while I kept telling myself that questioning wasn't a bad thing, it kinda is.  Questioning leads to doubt.  You're doubting that God is good and that He has the ability to work all things for the good of His people.  Lysa goes on to say:

I know what it's like to have intentions that are good but follow-through that falls to pieces.  It's easy to say the words - we're all in for Jesus, and we'll do anything He asks of us.  But then we get rejected or hurt by someone or become afraid we'll fail, and it becomes difficult to live out those words.  Fear, pain and insecurities can really do a number on our hearts.  

And THAT is where my heart is right now.  Lysa says, "to deny Jesus is to say with our words, thoughts or actions that we don't really believe the truth of who Jesus says He is or what He says He'll do."  I'm struggling to accept Jesus' truth in my life in this moment.  I'm struggling to give others forgiveness for their actions.  I'm struggling to accept Jesus' forgiveness for my own actions.  But NOTHING is beyond the reach of Jesus.  And so today I start again.  I start a pursuit of Christ and hope that this time I can actually meet Him because I know He will meet me where I am at.  I pray, "God, give me relief from my unbelief."  

I finish with my most favorite Bible verse because it is the one that gives me eternal hope in everything I do.  It is the one that keeps my eyes turned towards Jesus even when life does get hard.  

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.  Romans 8:28 NLT 

   

 

It's Been Too Long...

Ok, so I started out this year with big intentions and lots of high aspirations for myself! A lot of them didn't end up happening. :) But isn't that the way it always is? So I end up coming to my blog daily but it's usually just to look at my other friends' blogs and never write on mine. I notice the last entry was in March. March??? What the heck! Where did this year go? To be honest, I have no idea. Too many things have seemed to slip away too quickly.

Well first off... since we're almost at the end of the year, let's take a look back at what my New Year's Resolutions were:

1. Eat healthier
2. Exercise more... okay, at all
3. Budget my finances better
4. Find a new church and attend regularly
5. Do a better job of keeping in touch with my friends and loved ones other than through Facebook!

Ok, so not too bad. I have been eating healthier and exercising a lot! In fact, I've lost 30 pounds so far! That's pretty darn good! Budget finances? Not so much. I mean, granted I haven't gotten myself into any sort of huge debt, but I haven't exactly racked up the savings either. We'll have to roll that forward into next year. :) I did find a new church and was attending regularly, for a while. But then life got in the way and once you're out of a habit it's almost ridiculously hard to get back into it, but that's going to change. Starting this Sunday, it's back to church! As far as number 5? I think Facebook is about the only way I keep in touch with anybody these days, which is ridiculous really. What ever happened just to calling someone up and talking on the phone? I never do that. Or even hand writing a letter? I think I'm going to start doing that and see how surprised people are to get a letter in the mail!

I think this is always such a crazy time of year with holiday shopping and plans with family, but I hope to not let it get me too crazed and I'm trying my best to keep it from getting hectic. Heck! I'm almost completely done with my Christmas shopping and we're only 2 days in to the month! That's awesome for me!

Well, I promise to work harder on writing at least every week. Finding something worth saying. I can barely remember what I did last week, much less a year ago - so I'd love to have something to remind me in 5 or 10 years of what I was thinking at this time in my life.

So here's to finishing up this year with a bang and hopefully starting off 2010 in a good way!

Commitment

This Sunday was another amazing sermon at church. Our pastor is doing a Lenten sermon series on "Searching for What's Missing" and this week he focused on Mark 8 beginning with verse 27 where Jesus asks his disciples, "Who do you say I am?" Peter answered, "You are the Christ." Jesus begins to tell his disciples in verse 31 about the fact that he must suffer many things, be rejected, die and rise again. As our pastor put it, Peter gets pretty upset with Jesus at this point and as the verse says, begins to "rebuke" him. Jesus at this point rebukes Peter and says, "Get behind me Satan! You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men." At this point at verse 34 Jesus tells his disciples and the crowd, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." Our pastor pointed out that there is a difference in liking Jesus' message and liking what he stands for and believes in and actually living as Jesus does. That was powerful to me. In the days following church I've even read another article on line where many Christians have taken to calling themselves "followers of Christ" rather than Christians because they feel there are too many people that call themselves Christians that don't actually follow Christ. I think too often people just fall into the lull of going to church every Sunday and not actually living life with a Christ-centered attitude.

Our pastor asked, "How often does my going to God involve me wanting something?" WOW! I was convicted right there on the spot. That is so true! How many times do we actually stop on a daily basis to just thank God for our blessings? Or just to talk to him in conversation? One of my friends has told me that her entire day is just a conversation with God. I would love to be able to just be in constant prayer to God all day long, but I know that I tend to get busy and start thinking of other things and the next thing I know, I haven't prayed at all! And I am completely guilty of only praying to God when I need something. As our pastor said, too many people treat God like a Coke machine. They put their money in the top and are expecting something to come out at the bottom. If God removed all of my blessings, would I still seek Him with all of my heart? SUCH a good question! I was reading on another friend's blog the other day about their discipleship material they are reading and she was currently reading the part about miseries and how we all suffer miseries at one point or another in our lives. Then: The degree and kind of misery caused by moral and natural evil varies in each individual's experience. If you are healthy, live in a nice house in a safe neighborhood, have a good job, insurance and enjoy healthy fulfilling relationships, you will experience the miseries of life less acutely than most. Thank God for His kindness to you." Do we do that? Do we do it enough? I know that I don't. I know I don't thank Him often enough for His kindness to me.

Our pastor said there are 3 levels of commitment to God. 1) I'm not willing to put you first. 2) I'll put you first if... (lying to yourself, still wanting to keep control). 3) I'll put you first regardless. I am definitely striving harder now to put God first in my life regardless. I want to work to be in constant prayer/conversation with God and thank Him for His kindness and blessings to me. We have such an awesome and mighty God and I know that I would definitely be in sad shape without Him in my life!!

It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration. - John 4:23-24

Wordle

Ok, so I was out there reading my blogs that I read and I came across where someone had posted their "Wordle". I was interested to find out what this was and learned (at www.wordle.net) that you can type in your blog's website and it will create a "wordle" which is an artistic collection of my frequently used words. So here's my wordle:

You know what I love about this? To me it looks like mass chaos. But right in the middle of it all, in nice, calming yellow is the word GOD. How awesome is that? That the word used most often on my blog is the word God? And that right in the middle of the chaos is God. He is always there. Larger than life, ready to take on anything and everything. This really speaks to me where I am right now in my spiritual journey and that's why I wanted to post it. To be a constant reminder that God should always be number one in all that I do and the one that I always turn to in times of chaos and craziness. God knew I needed a reminder of that today. How awesome is He?

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer... Psalm 19:14

Living In The Moment...

This past Sunday at church our pastor started a new series entitled "30 Days to Live" and it was all about living in the moment and "what if you only had 30 days left on this earth?" It was a very moving and inspiring sermon. The scripture for this series is Psalm 39:4-5 which says "Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered, and that my life is fleeing away. My life is no longer than the width of my hand. An entire lifetime is just a moment to you; human existence is but a breath." (NLT). Normally the thought of how short our time on earth is brings about the "oh that's so morbid" comments. But seriously? We should be thinking about how short our time is. I think about all the days that I waste doing things that aren't pleasing to God or even things that I don't enjoy doing.

James 4:13-17 says: Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it sins.

Wow. I have never before thought of planning for the future like that. I mean, granted we do have to plan ahead for many things in life since we can't do everything spur of the moment, but there is something to be said for living in the moment, you know? Our pastor said, so many times we miss life in the moment. We don't spend good quality time with family, friends and loved ones because we're too busy thinking about all the work we have to do later or how you need to be doing laundry or cleaning the house or 8 million other things that are running through your mind at that minute. We're not ALL there with our loved ones. Psalm 118:24 says THIS is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. THIS is the day. Not tomorrow or 2 weeks from now. We need to live in this moment here and now and enjoy it and thank God for blessing us with the day that we have!

So all of this time that I have kept putting off my quiet times with God saying that I'd start tomorrow or this weekend. That's no more. The time that I've put off reading more because I'm just too busy - forget it, I'm starting more now. I'm going to stop overloading myself with work and busy-ness and start enjoying myself more and spending more time with my loved ones - especially God. So I pray, Lord... please remind me how brief my time on earth will be. I want to make it count for something!

What Does It Mean to Be Humble?

One of my favorite websites I visit has a bible verse of the day and as I went to look at the site today the verse is: Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. - James 4:10. This got me thinking. Do I humble myself before the Lord? And what does it mean to be humble before the Lord? I looked up the definition of the word humble and this is what I found: not proud or haughty; not arrogant or assertive; reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission.

I think this verse speaks volumes to me today. Have I been approaching God in a spirit of deference or submission? Or more often do I live my days feeling proud of what I'VE accomplished? I think more often than not I end up walking around with a feeling of pride of where I am in life and don't usually take the time to think about the fact that without God I wouldn't have gotten anywhere! I find that usually I only stop and think about God in my everyday life when I'm struggling and calling out to Him for help. I definitely don't want to live that way. I want to be able to walk through everyday and recognize Him in even the smallest details. Today I'm thanking God for speaking to me when I'm not evening listening for Him. I'm thankful for the fact that if I slow down and focus more on life, I won't miss Him in the still moments.

The Search for a Savior...

In my life as of late, I really feel like I've been missing out on something. Even though everything in my life seems to be going wonderfully right now, I still feel this hole as if I'm somehow not complete. I know that can sound kind of cliche, but it's true. When I look back over the first 30 years of my life, I can see myself slowly drifting away from God and from any sort of personal relationship with Christ and I hate that.

I was always raised in the Methodist church. I can't remember a time growing up that I wasn't in church on Sunday and when I got to middle and high school, I was actively involved in my youth group - even ending up as the president of my youth group my senior year of high school. I felt about as close to God as I've ever been and I just knew that I was going to go off to college and meet a strong, Christian man and we'd have a wonderful, perfect little Christian family.

Well life doesn't always turn out the way you plan it. Despite the fact that God couldn't have chosen a better roommate for me my freshman year of college (Kendall was most definitely a Godsend), I found myself lost and searching for a place to fit in. Unfortunately, no matter how much God tried on His end of our relationship, I kept pushing Him away. I joined a sorority and God again put the most amazing Big Sister in my life. Beth was and still is one of the most amazing Christian women I've ever known in my life. I kept pushing and pushing Him away because I still didn't fit in at college where I thought I should. In the end, I ended up self-destructing and was back living at home with my parents by the time I was done with my sophomore year of college.

I came home determined to re-establish my relationship with Christ, but I got sidetracked. I was so intent on meeting a man and getting married, that I let my search for God fall by the wayside AGAIN. I met David and within 2 years of meeting we were married. I knew this was it and I had found my place in this world FINALLY. I worked hard in our marriage to meet God again and I threw myself into church and became involved in just about every way I could imagine. Only one small problem, David wasn't having it. I prayed and prayed and prayed to God that He would open David's eyes and his heart so that David too could know God and have a personal relationship with Christ. After 2 years of marriage, I came home one day to a huge surprise. Despite having a contract on a house and getting ready to move in less than a month, suddenly David "didn't love me anymore" and wanted a divorce. I was devastated. Crushed. I was angry with God. I cried out, what did I do to deserve this? I didn't stick around long enough to hear the answer. I dove into the dating scene and suddenly made finding a new husband my god. I stopped going to church and pulled away from my friends and even my family.

Thankfully, I met Joe. Joe was raised in a big Catholic family and this was something new to me. We had long talks about our faith and what we believed. We've definitely had a lot of struggles in our 5 year relationship but throughout it all I've really still believed that this was all part of God's plan for our lives. We've dealt with Joe getting laid off from his job, me changing jobs twice, Joe deciding to go back to school, buying a house and struggling with our finances due to being a one income home. But through it all, I've managed to maintain my faith this time around and know that God has brought me through SO much in my lifetime that I know He's not going to just give up on me now.

So why this long post about feeling lost? Well, despite the fact that I still believe that God is looking out for me and that He has a plan for my life, I feel really far away from Him. We haven't found a church home since we've moved into our house and I really want to find a good church that I can really get involved in and find a good small group. I also want to try and establish a good quiet time with God every day (which is hard because I find my life is so hectic). I also want to strive to have God in my everyday life and be able to see Him in even the small things rather than just being a "Sunday Christian" that goes to church more for the social setting than for getting fed.

So I plan on immersing myself in the Word and trying to reconnect with God. I yearn for a closer relationship with God and desire to grow in my spiritual walk. So there it is. I've laid it all out. I've said this so many times before and I end up getting discouraged and falling away after a few months, but I feel like there is no time like the present to rekindle that loving relationship with my Father.

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. - Deuteronomy 4:29